THE GAY MAN’S MANIFESTO
For when you need a little reminder…
Sleep around until it gets old. It will get old.
Wear a condom.
Know your sexual likes and limits. If you’re not into anal, don’t do it. If scat isn’t your thing, don’t do it.
Explore your sexuality. Be safe doing it.
Dick size matters. Sometimes.
Buy sex toys. A Fleshlight will change your life.
Don’t have sex on the first date. Or the second date. Or the third date. Get to know him. It’s fun.
If you’re not sexually compatible with your lover, it may be time to find another lover.
Learn your body. Learn what you like in bed. Then tell the other guy.
Yes, you’re probably doing it wrong in bed, but so is he. Everyone wins.
You’re not obligated to swallow.
If you’re a bottom, fiber pills and an anal douche are a must.
If you’re a top, you must bring the condoms.
Lube sucks. You’ll use it anyway. Yeah, I know…
Threesomes are great.
Date! Stop looking for a husband.
Not everyone is going to be attracted to you. You already knew that, right?
You’ll date married men and not know it. It’s not your fault.
It’s your fault is you continue to date the aforementioned married man.
Meet men in real life. Hook-up apps aren’t real life.
Meet men at the gym. At least you know what they look like naked…
Your boyfriend may cheat on you. How you handle it is up to you.
You may cheat on your boyfriend. How he handles it is up to him.
Be honest with the guy you’re dating. Don’t take away his choices. Don’t let him take away your choices.
Don’t minimize your relationships. Your boyfriend/husband/partner is a huge part of your life. Treat him as if he exists.
Talk to your boyfriend/husband/partner. If you push him away, you’ll push him out the door.
Relationships are hard, constant work. If you’re too lazy to tend the garden, don’t waste his time.
Open relationships aren’t for everyone.
If you cheat on your last three boyfriends, you’re the problem, not them. You’re the common denominator. Get a therapist.
Know your limit with alcohol. Three beers, good. Six beers, bad? Know your limit.
You’re too old for cocaine, ecstasy, etc. Yes, you’re too damn old for that shit.
You’re not obligated to have anal sex every time you have sex. Try mutual masturbation and dirty talk. That’s fun, too. And safe.
Stay healthy. Get tested.
You’re getting older every day. It’s okay.
You’re going to lose your hair.
Your erections will take a little time to pop up with age.
Your pubic hair will turn gray.
Your muscles will sag.
Yup, your balls will sag, too.
Yes, we know that you’re dyeing your hair.
Plastic surgery is not your friend. Everyone knows and, yes, they’re talking about it.
The gym is your friend. Sorry.
You aren’t required to grow old with someone.
You aren’t required to get married.
You aren’t required to have children.
You will have a midlife crisis. Don’t throw away your whole life for a few bad months.
Your friends will be your support system. Don’t sleep with them. Maybe once. No more than once.
Find a favorite bar. Become a regular. It’s not a bad thing.
Turn off your phone every now and then.
Saying “no” is a good thing.
Move beyond vodka soda and vodka cranberry. You’re not eighteen.
Find your style and make it your own.
Don’t be a carbon copy of your friends.
Do you want to be a scene boy? Do you have to live in the gayborhood?
Find a gay friendly doctor. You shouldn’t have to feel as if you’re being judged by your doctor.
Don’t apologize for your life.
Be open and out at work. It’ll change your life and your co-workers’ view of gay people.
Get out of town every now and then.
Pride is wonderful, but don’t be that guy. We all know “that guy”.
Join a gay sports team, cooking class, or wine tasting club. Meet people in real life.
You are in control of your happiness.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to your friends.
Get a therapist. Your friends can only do so much.
Have a party from time to time. Celebrate life.
If you’re not one for marching in the streets for gay rights, donate money to the cause. Yes, you are required to do something.
Stop blaming everyone else for your unhappiness.
The Gay Man’s Manifesto was written by Andrew Pemberton-Fowler. Andrew is the executive producer and writer of the web series Dudes (dudestheshow.com).